The ‘I Want It To Stop’ Phase

:The Phases and Faces of Hypomania

At this stage a dose of desperation sets in. You miss relaxing. You miss being able to sit and watch TV. You miss being able to listen to music and enjoy it because too much stimulus goes past the point of being enjoyable, and it becomes painful in an odd sort of way. Your body moves in ways you didn’t command it to. Your mind buzzes relentlessly and you realise you’re on a waltzer with no way of getting off when you want. You can no longer kid yourself that you are in control.

You realise youre at the mercy of something else. Something bigger than yourself. This is when I tend to ask for help. This is when I phone up my team and say, quite literally, ‘this isn’t fun anymore. I’m not enjoying this. I’m want it to stop. ” and you start to beg, ‘how do I make it stop?”

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Relaxation. Mindfulness. Initiate the dive response. The stretching, the breathing, the calming down all feels unattainable alone. With the help of others to guide you, it is possible to slow it kind of, sometimes.

All the curtains are shut because light is too stimulating. You sit in silence because sound of any kind is too much. Reading is too stimulating. Drawing is too stimulating. It’s like being stuck in a cage when you want to go for a walk. All these things you want to do, but they cause too strong a current through your body that if you move you get electrocuted with a surge of excess energy that isn’t productive anymore. It isn’t even unproductive and fun.

It’s now become something else. You start to question, am I brain washed? The only answer that seems plausible is the belief that some external force is at play. Is it someone controlling me? Are they watching me? Have I been drugged? Is there something in the water, the air, the particles penetrating my walls, body and mind? Radiation even?

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Logic dissipates as answers are sought for in a non-logical and mixed up mind. Being reminded otherwise, or a counter argument can sometimes help: last time I was told, “I don’t think your’e the type to be brainwashed. You’re too stubborn. You know your own mind too much to be brainwashed.” Considering my level of genius, this statement was right – and enough to settle my anxieties.

That helped. I don’t know what would help anyone else in this stage – it’s a scary stage and here, I have no answers. This is the part when it becomes quite scary.

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The Getting a Fuck-Ton Done Phase

: The Phases and Faces of Hypomania

Imagine that every obstacle that comes your way is minimised. You’re a giant Super Mario, the obstacles are the same size essentially but feel more like minute lumps in the road. What was once a 3ft wall is now merely a texture difference in the tarmac.

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Problem solving is not a challenge. Everything is obvious. You just do this or that and you don’t just do it, you do it at the speed of light. You have To-Do lists longer than your arm and they still can’t keep up with you rather than the other way around.  Ideas come in an abundance.

The best bit isn’t the constant flow of ideas. The best bit is that they all feel entirely achievable, realistic and exciting; they range from becoming a world-renowned musician, setting up an empire of a business and cracking the comedy circuit because let’s face it, I’m hilarious. I’m going to achieve it all whilst I’m a student so I’m prepared to work even harder to earn the masses of money I’m going to bring in. You call it bringing back the bacon. I’m bringing back the pig farm and you better believe it. The cherry on the top? It’s going to be effortless.

 

giphy-4.gifThere aren’t enough hours in the day for all the master plans you’ve conjured but you’re maxing the absolute potential out of every single day. It’s brilliant. All those days when just having a shower seemed like a massive achievement: done. They’re gone and this is just the best news because now you can finally live the life you were supposed to. This is how the future is created. This is how my future is created and I’m moving on. I knew I was an incredibly smart and able. The only difference is that now I’m proving that not just to myself, but to the world also.
I never want help during this phase. I never think I need help during this phase. I’m just being brilliant, and something has finally clicked with how it is supposed to be. I never realise. I don’t stop to think like I do with masses of energetically charged and unproductive over joyousness, because I’m so busy maxing the potential out of every day and that doesn’t include self-reflection because I’m already perfect.

I do genuinely get a lot done – and if I could work at this pace all the time, I would probably manage to follow some of those project ideas through quite well. Like everything that’s too good to be true however, it comes to an end far too quickly for any of these projects to barely take off. It’s a level of genius that I can’t quite follow through on or keep up with.