:The Phases and Faces of Hypomania
Hypomania isn’t always fun and games. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you are super happy over nothing for too long. Sometimes it can become dysphoric. Hypomania is like being revved up on overdrive, therefore if something upsetting happens it can turn to rage extremely quickly. In a flick of the light rage and aggression, verbal assaults with a vicious tongue, throwing objects in fits of rage in every direction and crying so much the physical upheaval should be exhausting.
These outbursts are often filled with regretful actions and words. Actions and words that can’t be forgotten. Actions and words that can’t be undone. They are harsh and require very strong apologies, promises to seek help and a generous dose of understanding from those afflicted to such attacks.
All of a sudden the world, which was beautiful, glorious and fucking fantastic comes crashing down in an energised depression. Thinking remains fast, emotions on full volume and at this point going from a decision to try to kill yourself to action happens very quickly. All the sorrow of a deep hopeless depression is combined with an abundance of energy in an emotional upheaval, a resilience to tiredness from crying which usually acts as a buffer between thoughts, decisions and consequent actions.
People, at this stage, are unwelcome. conversations to rationalise are also unwelcome. Eventually you fall asleep for the few hours per 24 that you get – which is essentially a nap and ping! you’re back to it with little rest for the wicked. The happy, energetic and too fast to handle mood is back.
Quicker than defying gravity your mood has up cycled itself into a continuing flash of a flame thrower – and you’re off. This can happen all in the space of 48 hours. It should be tiring. It is tiring, eventually. At the time however, it’s a whirlwind that you can’t slow down or keep up with at the same time. It’s confusing.
I decide that actually I can’t be hypomanic because hypomania is extreme happiness. I’m was so painfully sad and so intensely angry that I’m not sure what it is that is happening: could it be a mixed episode? Or just dysphoria? It happens so fast and furiously that there are no minutes to reflect until afterwards.