Once again I am planning ahead for the new year in my mind as if, overnight, my life is going to miraculously change for the better and I’m going to evolve like a Pokémon into this perfect, wonderfully healthy person that I’ve dreamt of being, since I stopped dreaming of being the sickliest emaciated queen of starvation.
It is times like these that I need to take a pinch of extra awareness to keep myself in check. Each year, I fall into the “New Year, New Me’ trap, fail to meet my “New Me” targets, then slink off into a hole of avoidance and denial that I ever had those ideas for myself before, oh look, another new year. It seems somewhat like a cycle I fall into – and it’s ever so tempting to do it all again every. single. fucking. year! As if last year, the year before, or any of the previous years in my life never existed.
In fact, earlier this year I decided to give the personal development new year kick a boot by starting to use my Daily Greatness Journal. Carving myself into the person I want to be, achieving the things in life that I desire and enjoying life to the max I realised is a permanent journey, not a Pokémon evolution away.
I have reviewed my hopes and desires i.e. resolutions from last year, and in true 2016 fashion…
… I’m walking away from that mentality and way of viewing myself, my life, and the 1st of January that way ever again.
This year I’ll be focusing on the goals I’ve already started working towards earlier in the year, and although I didn’t achieve much of what I set out to do in 2016 I have learnt a valuable lesson. That no matter how much I will, try or grit my teeth my bipolar disorder is one of those constants in my life that isn’t going to change much like the direction of time in this universe.
Over the years I have been on somewhat of a journey of learning about my illness, experiencing my illness and trying to live with the cards I’ve been dealt in terms of my illness. The present day and future, much to my dismay and disatisfaction is no different.
So if there is any resolution to be made by myself this year it is to grow on my acceptance – accepting the highs and the lows that come with living with bipolar disorder whilst trying my best to do the things I want to do and enjoy within my life. That is all I can ask for. That is all I can expect of myself. Anything more and I am setting myself up for further failures, disappointments and heartbreak over my inabilities to fulfill my expectations.
So here to keeping my feet firmly rooted in reality, my head bobbing below the clouds and accepting myself for doing the best I can, now and in the future.
Happy New Year everyone.