Everything we do today shapes our tomorrow. I am trying to invest in creating my future for myself, and shaping it into a life I love and want to be an active part of. Creating such a life when living with the forever swinging moods of bipolar can be, ahem, challenging. Sometimes, my engagement factor is slacking, sometimes it’s an over-zealous lust for a life of irresponsible and whacky endeavours. Most of the time however, I just want to be partaking in what is important to me, to have and hold values that mean a lot to me, and to ultimately be the best person that I can be, living the best life that I can live.
It is a sad fact that I have spent 8 out of the past 10 days hibernating from the world. Thus, I haven’t been engaging with my life as much as I would have liked to. I have to accept, this is going to happen. This is the nature of my obstacles. However, in an attempt to not be sucked into the vastness of my grumpy cat ways as of late, I have made an investment into managing, coping and creating a life I love. I bought a Daily Greatness Journal.
For this week, I am focusing on the evaluating phases and pages of the book, before embarking on my journey. This means writing a letter to my 2017 self, acknowledging my past achievements, embracing forgiveness in my current life in order to move forwards and goal setting. This all sounds dandy.
I started by writing my letter to my future self, explaining my disappointments and hang-ups of 2016 and how they have shaped my hopes, goals and dreams for the next 12 months. This was a surprisingly more difficult task than I initially imagined.
I set to work on the next page. The ultimate start of this journey titled, “Forgiveness sets you free”. Here, there is a page to forgive, let go and move on from anything I am currently holding resentment towards: be they people, things, events, circumstances. I brushed it off as a “fine, yeah sure. I can do that. I’ve done loads of forgiveness work already”…until I sat down to write it.
The page literally just stared at me as I stared at it – in some sort of resentment forgiveness duel stand off of which side holds the greater power. Both sides stood, equally dumbfounded by the other, equally unsure of how to approach the other before finally, they backed down slowly having decided that, this battle was not going to commence right here, or right now.
I am however, working through it in my mind – trying to figure out what exactly to write and how exactly I overcome and let go of such deep-rooted resentments, qualms and grudges that seep into the underworld of my consciousness tainting every aspect of my daily life.
I was prepared however, to feel potentially overwhelmed by a commitment so large and vast as improving my life on such a grand scheme when to be frank, I am engaging with very mood dependant behaviour. I am still living at the whim of life exhaustion, moods, temperament rages and adapting to change – the one of life’s constants that I consistently struggle with. So at the same time I made another investment into a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Diary. This is a continuum of the therapy I will be ending in a month. I have been engaging with this therapy for 12 months now.
This is fine. I don’t particularly like going anyway – and will be quite glad to not have one day a week spent in the local hospital. However, having said that, for as much as I bitch and moan about DBT the fact is, that since I started I have managed to gain some form of control over many of my problematic behaviours. I have been admitted only twice this year, can count my A&E trips on one hand, have had no ambulance trips and 1 encounter withthe police. It still sounds dramatic, but this is a MASSIVE improvement on the previous years within which these incidences had become out of control. SO despite my disdain towards DBT I am inclined into thinking that some of the techniques and skills are effective in maintaining my freedom, liberty and autonomy over my life. Yay.
My yesterday shaped today. My today shapes tomorrow. Today I am going to engage with my DBT diary in order to maintain changes and try to improve my ability to manage the smaller big changes in my life – like laying the foundations if you like. In due time though, I will return to my Daily Greatness Journal in order to make the bigger changes in my life focusing on life goals, quality of life and building not only a life worth living, but a life I can fall in love with.