Falling

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My voluntary placement seems to be going well. I’m managing to do the work, engage with the children and get along with the adult team as well. Everything, on the surface seems to be going well but something keeps cropping up for me an that is dark thoughts.

For some reason, unknown to me, and that I can’t quite figure out I’ve been wanting got OD tonight as a form of self harm. This gives me a clue that there is something I’m not quite coping with – and please bear in mind this week was a test for myself as well to see how I coped with working part time. I’m not failing, because I’m managing to  go and engage with the team and children, but I’m not doing as well as I would have liked to do. Sometimes I’m quite reserved and I’m realising my memory is shot to pieces, which in my mind I’m blaming on my medication because it is much worse than it used to be. Remembering names of the children for example has been a nightmare for me. Also counting laps around the playground for multiple children in the daily mile challenge was also a nightmare for me. I just couldn’t remember for the life of me their timings and lap numbers.

Sadly, I feel like these hiccups and mistakes are limiting my chances of gaining the part time job at the end of the placement. I really want it as it’s about 8 hours per week, but whether or not I get it because of these mistakes and hiccups I don’t know. I’m starting to doubt myself, not  that I’m going to give up but I am going to ask to leave early to go to therapy tomorrow because I think I need to go. I thought I’d be fine to miss it this week because I had been doing so well for a long time, but now I’m doubting myself and my chances. I can only let life happen though and see how they respond to my efforts. If not I will have gained a week experience at a lifestyle camp at least, which is better than nothing.

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