I’m really struggling at the moment. It’s hard to pinpoint with what exactly though. I’m really unmotivated to do anything, and I keep sleeping for a really long time. I’m massively relying on my comfort items at the moment – I am sat with Big Bear as I type. I think something, although I’m unsure as to what exactly may  be stressing me out.

I’ve been trying to focus on managing my personal hygiene better lately, which means trying to shower every day. Right now I couldn’t think of much worse. I think, perhaps my medication may be too high as I’m hungry all the time as well – like right now, I have done nothing and eaten food yet I’m starving hungry. I always feel weak and lethargic, like a sloth and have no motivation to exercise which is stressing me out as I have big races in less than 2 months to train for.

I missed a workshop that I was really looking forward to this morning because I just couldn’t face getting up for it. The journey just filled me with dread, so I went back to bed and woke up again at midday. This isn’t anywhere near as productive as I would like to be.

I’m quite unhappy in this state, although I feel numbed to my discontent. I’m not depressed, but I”m something. Perhaps more melancholy than actively anything, lethargic and apathetic to most things. I spoke to my friend and she really helped to lift my mood and was very supportive.

I hope I can figure this out soon because it’s not as dramatic as “I can’t live like this” but more along the lines of, “this isn’t productive or conducive to recovery” and that’s what my journey is about right? Recovery. I want to be as well as I can be, and that means getting out of bed in the morning for one, and doing stuff with my time for two – then looking after myself, i.e. showering and eating better for three.


2 thoughts on “Melancholy

  1. Wow. When I read this, I practically had to double check to be sure I didn’t write it. Hygiene is the biggest problem I face when I’m in this state. I’ll chew gum to avoid having to put enough effort to brush my teeth and the idea of getting in the shower is more than I can take. Eventually I always do brush my teeth (even if it’s as late as 5 pm, but I can go days without a shower. Hating the way it feels, but not able to deal with the 10 minutes or so of having water pounding on my body while in a small area behind the shower doors.

    Sorry to see you’re in a bad state. I hope it passes soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This sounds very familiar. I’m sorry that it’s something you are going through at the moment, it’s shit. Do try to give yourself some time to feel what you’re feeling. I know it’s not easy, but “this too shall pass”, be kind to you. I hope this passes soon lovely. Hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

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