So we broke up. This has triggered all sorts of abandonment schemas and behaviours. I’ve self harmed and have been on and off suicidal. This is evidently BPD and not Bipolar reaction as I’m otherwise stable with my bipolar now.
I also spoke about something that concerns me from childhood that is very difficult to talk about. I have started the conversations now, finally, but never before this. I don’t even want to continue the conversations as they’re so secret – and some of it is probably normal and secret. As things of this nature are.
So anyway it’s been a hard week and I’m not coping, but I am coping with the break up. I’ve only self harmed once, and even though I’ve thought about throwing myself in front of a car or train a lot I haven’t. Which is good news I suppose.
You see, I don’t have a problem with perceived abandonment, but this is real abandonment which has happened to me many times in my life. Mostly with my parents, but my other half is the closest person I’ve ever had in my life, and now they don’t want to talk to me at all after Thursday (practicalities only) – and I HAVE to accept and honour their wishes.
So it’s time to practice some radical acceptance – which I’m not sure entails but I will look in my DBT Skills book and read up on it a little bit. I’m trying to let life happen and just let go. Let life happen and let go. It’s hard but I’m trying my best.