As you can probably guess, having borderline personality disorder and bipolar together, my relationship with my mood is somewhat of a complex one. I feel like I’m back to normal again now, which in it’s own way brings a little disappointment when you crash down to normal from hypomania because, let’s face it, a brief episode that is relatively safe – I use the term relatively loosely – brings it’s own disappointments that no longer do I feel the need to dance for days, and be friends with everyone, and find everything funny. I correct myself, not funny, hilarious.
However, after a catch up on sleep and rest which were both much needed for both my body and mind I’m walking home from the shop and, I’m going to be mindful here, I feel a squiggle of excitement in my stomach at being “normal”. I feel normal in that I am experiencing a relatively comfortable range of emotions. I feel productive, but not overly so. I can concentrate. I will bop if a song I like comes on the radio but no longer feel the need to literally jump out of my skin with energy. I can think straight. The voices have stopped, more on that later.
I have plans. My normal anxieties around people have returned – which although not a pleasant experience is nice to be back to normal and not feeling the need to talk to everyone about everything. It’s nice to not be racing.
So back to my relationship with my mood. I feel like I could personify my mood into another person. Not quite Jekyll and Hyde, but you get the picture. My relationship with my mood takes a lot of hard work, just like a relationship with a person. However, when I’m in a relationship with people I don’t feel the need to make a notebook diary of how to cope with that person. If I did it would be a questionable relationship – which you could say about my relationship with my mood. It’s questionable, but all the more real at the moment and has been for these past few months.
I am however, going to make pages in my Filofax, like a survival guide for managing my relationship with my mood for both ends of the spectrum: high and low. My friend gave me the idea when she relayed off what was in her bipolar survival guide she’d made herself and it was a really smart idea. I’m going to read some self help books first, and make notes. I’ll share my findings and publish my survival guide on here for you all to use in case there’s something helpful in there for anyone else as well, just as my friend’s survival guide became – temporarily – my survival guide for the week.
At the moment, I’m happy. I’m content. I’m happy but not too happy. I’m happy in the sense that I’m normally productive and normally feeling. Everything isn’t too exciting, but everything isn’t dark either. It’s nice. Normal is a nice place to be for now after being depressed and hypomanic I’m rather pleased to be feeling normal.