The thing about bipolar is you never now when a good mood is just that, a good mood, or the start of a mania episode. You see, you all know I was depressed lately. My pattern is that I get depressed, then manic – but not always. Certainly not always, CERTAINLY not always. In fact, most times when I am very depressed I go very depressed, a little less depressed, less depressed enough to function, then somehow, over time I’m OK again and the depressive thoughts are nothing but a distant memory.
Now though, they’re already a distant memory and it was like what, a week ago? I am having warning signs for mania, and it makes sense because my anti-depressant was increased alongside my anti-psychotic. So to say the least, I’m not surprised but I have been fairly reckless these past few days to say the least.
Example. My ESA came in yesterday – it is now ALL gone. On things I know I didn’t need but wanted, like new running shoes. OMG they’re so cute though. I did need new track pants because my old ones are too small for me since I gained weight and I was really sad about this, same r.e. the sports bra. Then I spent £60 on vape liquids *shock face* and THEN, just to top it off I gambled £100. I never gamble. I know something is wrong because a) I’m usually quite cautious with my money and allow one blow out when I get a double payment. b) I don’t gamble. c) I care a little bit about this, but overall about my money losses I don’t care. In fact I don’t care about a lot of things.
I don’t care about my scars on my arms. I don’t care about what I look like. I don’t care about my finances. I don’t care about what I say. I don’t care about going to my classes that I’ms supposed to go to. I do care however, about fun stuff. I care about wanting to do fun stuff. I care about wha God is saying to me about me being a genius and all. I do care about how I’m going to prove my genius. I do care about proving to my friends that I’m better than them. I do care about being amazing – because I am
My head is like a whirlwind of ‘you’re amazing’ and ‘prove you’re amazingness’. I’m not going to lie – I don’t know if you can tell but I’m all about honesty here, but I’m having fun. Not quite loving it yet, but having fun none the less. Let’s hope it’s just a good mood aye?!?