Suicidal Thoughts Are Just a Habit?!?

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Today I’ve been told that suicidal thoughts are a habit in response to a low mood. I don’t know if I agree with this. I was told this by my therapist, and I agree it used to be like that for me a few years ago whenI was told this by my schema therapist – however this was at a time when suicidal thoughts were chronic and ongoing. Now though, I do not always have suicidal thoughts when I’m down. There are may days when I am down and instead I focus on “how can I get through this?” but at the moment, unfortunately I am suicidal, and actively so.

It is a scary place to find yourself, thinking about suicide constantly. It is a  very scary place to wind having to explain to people that over the weekend you tried to take your own life because the thoughts got too much. I’ve been told to think about tomorrow. Always tomorrow. There’s always tomorrow, but what if tomorrow is like today, and yesterday and all the other days that have gone by. From experience I can tell you these depressions last a really long tim end become rather torturous at the best of times, never mind when they are all encompassing. Even new shoes cannot brighten my day – not that buying your way out of depression ever solves anything, but the point is that something that would normally make me happy hasn’t had an ounce of effect on my mood for better or worse.

I am not crying. For some reason my tears are dry except at the mention of my old therapist where I let now tear go. It seems I want to cry it out on my own but in front of others I’m retorting to the old facade of keeping them in. I miss her. That’s why I cried. I miss her dearly because in times like this she was very comforting and I could do with a talk with her right now. I could with sitting in that chair across from her and her new shoes – she always had new shoes – and talking about my mood and working through it with her. Obviously, this can’t happen. We finished our work together.

I’ve been told to think about how lucky I am to be living where I am, in England, and having support around me. Which is true. It was always worse when I had no support around me, or my support networks were struggling as much as I was with my moods.

On the up side, there is talk of a medication change to a mood stabiliser. I have requested this, and hopefully it is in the motions of going through at the moment. This is my thread of hope, amongst all the advice and talks I’ve received, this is my hope that I’m holding on to. That things can get better if only I were on the right medication.

For now though, I will return to my list of coping strategies in the hope that they help because truthfully, I know I don’t want to die because there are things to look forward to in my life I just want to postpone the depression, or sleep through it and make it stop.

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4 thoughts on “Suicidal Thoughts Are Just a Habit?!?

  1. It just seems so lame to say “Hang on, things will get better,” but hang on, things will get better. I certainly don’t know when and for how long, but maybe try getting the new pair of shoes? I know…lame reply…sorry…it’s all I got. I’m battling the same demons.

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    1. I’m sorry you’re battling these same demons. It can be a horrible experience. We can get through it though. With a med re tweak I’m through this phase for now, I sometimes wonder how often the good will last just as I do the bad. – and I did buy new shoes ❤ They're lush. x

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  2. My hope lies in tomorrow. I look at life as an evolution – you plant a seed, it sprouts, puts down root, flowers, wilts, dies and feeds the earth again as compost. That’s what I mean by evolution. Our lives are evolutions. Just as no snowflake is ever the same, no two days are ever the same. Ever. Therein lies tomorrow’s hope, that tomorrow will be different from today. That tomorrow may be easier to bear. Keep pinning you hopes on tomorrow’s change. I know its exhausting, it truly is. But as each tomorrow dawns and passes by into another tomorrow, you find yourself feeling better, lifting out from that dark place. If you are severely overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts, then you are in crisis and need to contact your doc. I hope things improve for you, day by day. Its a process – life, bipolar and everything else. Take care

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