Lately I’ve been feeling very mixed with my mood. Sad but energetic, lethargic but restless, numb but excited. It doesn’t make sense to me. Whilst still with family, I had a million ideas for my online endeavours and plans but couldn’t do them which was frustrating. Instead I wrote all over loads of pieces of paper, instead of writing on the walls. I lost my glasses in the process somehow – they have since been found- jumped on the sofa for a while, came up with more plans and wrote and drew about unicorns for a few hours before realising what I was doing and drawing unicorns a million times.
After taking a few more clonazepam than I ought to in one go I manage to fall asleep in my bed upside down. I managed to sleep for a few hours though. Oh, I also played scrabble and pictionary on my own for a while, at the same time. It is only an evening and I still feel kind of depressed, so I had no idea what was going on or how this is even possible.
Since I’ve had days of massive bursts of excitement and energy, and some suicidal lows. I’m drained, ever so drained all the time, and am struggling to have much interest in anything anymore right now. Additionally, I’ve been hallucinating again, which is a horrible experience.
I’ve been seeing vanishing cats in my bedroom. They come. I watch, then they vanish. This morning I hear my friends voice. I was with her, but she was asleep and I heard her as if she was on the phone to her mum. It was something to do with her mum. Sometimes, I wonder if this is illness, or a gift from God. It can be difficult to distinguish, especially when these “things” whatever they are cause me so much distress and confusion. For example, how can a gift be so challenging to manage and cope with. However, sometimes it is like that. A lot of people have fantastic gifts and they are challenged by them, otherwise they wouldn’t be such a gift, right?