I’ve moved house. With a lot of support from my family. This has been a big change. I had lived in the same plot of land for 6 years – and gone through hell and back there with my ex partner. Most of our relationship took place living there. I had a cat for the rest of his days there, and although I had been desperate to leave for years due to corrupt landlords and neighbours the moment finally came to turn my back on the my where had been home, and to walk out the door for a final time.
I didn’t cry. I felt numb – which seems to be how I feel lately when there are emotions to be feeling. I knew I felt sad and had had a cry the previous evening with my ex over what this meant in terms of our lives and relationship. She creates a safe environment for me to exlpore my emotions, still.
Most of all though, this was about change. I had been deeply unhappy and disturbed with living where I was the idea and thought of my whole life being changed and tipped upside down a final time this year has overwhelmed me. A year ago I was engaged, living at my long term home, with my healthy cat. A year on, I’m single, moved and my cat has passed away. It has been a year of change really, but this one was the biggest change to my environment, for the better, however, I don’t really know how I dealt with it.
I don’t think I did. I think I’m blocking it out because I’ve resorted to self harming again. Which is something I need to explore with my therapist and support workers in order to try and stop again because I’m very sad yet also already feeling addicted to the act of self harming as a method to cope. Not only has my environment changed, but I’ve lost control of my medication as I have support with that now – meaning I can no longer cope with overdosing and taking extra medications to knock myself out. My care coordinator suggested that this could lead to abusing another substance to knock myself out such as alcohol but I don’t think that has or will happen – because I don’t like drinking very much and the feeling is different. Instead I think this is where the self harm comes in.
So much change in such a short period of time has I think, resulted in a relapse in behaviours I thought were behind me so that’s how I’ve coped with the change, or not as it were.