I had strong urges to self harm over the weekend. I was dissociated a lot for a few days. This was very difficult for me to manage on my own. I didn’t feel real, I couldn’t feel anything physically and felt like I needed to self harm in order to bring myself back. I couldn’t think of anything else that would work. I minorly overdosed to get a break from the dissociation. I even indulged Annabelle for a while in watching Jungle Book II and playing with the christmas Lego early. I couldn’t wait to open it.
For that time, the distress of feeling dissociated left but I didn’t want to be doing children’s activities for days upon days as it felt I may have wound up doing. Eventually I went for a run which helped ground me with my body. This is important for me to remember.
It is important to remember because it was exceptionally difficult for me to not self harm. Despite coming up to a year free of superficial self harm, and now having difficulties only and mainly with accidental overdoses, which will hopefully stop when I’ve moved and have help with my medication.
The techniques I used that were most effective for coming out of that period of dissociation are exercise and running, which has made me realise that for me, running is as important as eating in my daily routines (and if not running exercise in general) because it forces me through the dissociation bubble and into the sensational reality of my body and mind. As they both need to engage in order to run, cycle or climb.
The most important factor is though, that I made it. I survived without self harming. I did it this time, I’ve done it before and I can do it again no matter how tough the struggle. X