Sat outside smoking a rollie I got talking to another patient. I realised what I was saying I should listen to myself. You have to live your life. Mental health challenges or not, at the end of our days what is it we want to be remembering on our death beds- because the only inevitable about every life is birth and death. I want to be remembering my experiences and the things I did do rather than the things I didn’t. Despite how depressed I may be or get in the future I need to remember this.
It’s not my time to go. I’ve tried to kill myself so many times and many times should have died, but the fact is I’m sat here writing this. I didn’t die. It wasn’t my time. In fact I’ll re-write that, it isn’t my time. I have a life to live.
I need to get out there and do the things that have meaning to me in my life. For me, that’s writing. Poetry. I have a YouTube channel under the name of Monica Scripture. This for me is meaning. This is a purpose and maybe my calling. It may turn out in the future that it’s not but for now, in this moment and time in my life this is my calling and purpose. This is my vent. This is my voice. This is my way forward.
I’ve just lost a relationship of 7 years to my mental health difficulties. In the past I’ve lost family, friends, university and my career. No more. This has to stop.
So what if my challenges are a sky scraper tall there is always going to be a way to the top whether it’s climbing a shit ton of stairs or climbing around the outside and improvising there’s going to be a way to the top and what the top is for me is going to be different to what the top is to you. It’s personal. For me the top may look like performing at a poetry slam whilst for you it could be getting a full time job and keeping it.
My point is there’s a way and even if the time isn’t right now for some aspects of my life, there’s always the right time to try. So even though I’ve had to let my relationship go maybe now isn’t the right time for a relationship for me but that doesn’t mean I’m the future I won’t climb that mountain or sky scraper and never have a relationship again. It’s just that this one isn’t surviving my current mental health circumstances. I’d like to say that isn’t going to get in the way of true love but the fact is that it does and that is something I have to accept.
Acceptance of our limitations and doing what we can with out difficulties in order to overcome our hurdles at different times in our lives.
It’s ok. It’s going to be ok. I need to get out there and do what means something for myself. Live what I have of my life to the fullest I can achieve considering my circumstances. And that’s what we all need to do. So from having a rollie on a wall in a mood with another patient I’ve come to realise a lot of things.