I have started a course. The course, from the first session, gives me hope that it will be a good focus for me for the next 8 weeks and beyond. It is in Reading to Lead, in which case you run groups of reading for well being and exploring themes and emotions brought up by the pieces in question that session. It sounds fantastic and it is, except for yesterday when I came home I crashed in my well being.
It wasn’t the group that triggered me. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy the group nor were the people difficult in any sense of the imagination. It was me. I had overwhelmed myself and it is possible my current timetable, to which I will be adding no more groups or events, has been pushing me to my limits to cope with people, being outside and keeping a wrap on my own difficulties I face.
I know the sound of my voices. I know their tone, pitch and sound. I know when I hear them, and in social settings I try very very difficult to ignore them and pretended like they are no talking to me. Even annabelle has to be quiet for the duration of social events because I don’t want people to think I’m not ready for the course. That however, led to a mini sort of break down once I came home in which I took more PRN than I should in one go, it meant I didn’t go climbing – although I had other reasons for it being wise to not go last night anyway and it meant that the whole evening was spent comforting myself and pacing the streets because my flat is too small to pace adequately, until it was time to pass out.
Perhaps I am overwhelming myself with my expectations. I expect that an activity a day should be fine. I expect that an activity a day ought to be manageable, especially when I am surrounded by supportive and understanding people in safe environments. You would think the travel would be ok, but apparently no. It is not ok. For some reason I am massively overwhelmed by my current situations and plans.
In one essence I know they are not too much for me to do. I used to be able to do a million things in a day and function. However, in the other sense, I am feeling the wrath of my difficulties. Normally, when I write in Dear Darling Sanity I have answers and suggestions, but it turns out this time I myself need the answers and suggestions.
My suggestions to myself are currently to not add anything else to my schedule except for seeing my close friends as that occurs infrequently. My other suggestion is to practice mindfulness afterwards and do the 4,3,2,1 technique in order to calm down, which totally escaped my mind yesterday. I am keeping to my timetable as best as I can and hope that with time it will become easier, of which I shall keep you updated and posted about.
However, if anyone else has any suggestions for not feeling overwhelmed by a relatively small amount of tasks and commitments then please, send them my way I’d be more than grateful to listen to them.