Life of the Living Dead

Untitled_Artwork

Sat, slumped against the wall, I have bad posture but I don’t care much for my posture right now. I’m sat in silence, and have been for hours; I don’t care much for music, or talking right now. Space occupies my every hazy thought, wisp of a thought and thought of a thought; I don’t care much for thinking right now. I am not bored, yet I’ve done nothing for hours. I am not sad, but flat, numb, and lifeless like the living dead. I feel like a zombie, an in tact zombie with nothing more to do than sit, stare, exist, breathe.

I want to be on my own, and desire no contact with the outer world. I could stay in my kitchen for days on end, and see no point in leaving the house. I don’t desire activity, excitement or occupation. It is as if my brain has flat lined, but my body remains alive like a living corpse.

I feel no love, no warmth, no joy, no sadness. Just nothing. I am a void, a black hole embodying listlessness. My body is heavy, my limbs lay numb, and there is no impulse, sign of life or emotion.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I can’t pinpoint it. I just know that things aren’t right. I don’t want to eat, move, or do anything but sleep. Maybe I’m depressed. Maybe this is the effect of my medication I thought, but when I phoned the home treatment team to ask they disagreed and instead offered me a dr appointment in two days.

It is an effort to achieve anything today. Today I achieved drawing. I have been using my iPad to draw about how I am feeling in a hope of figuring something out, or healing something a little. I hoped it would be therapeutic and calming. It productively filled some time in my day at least.

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4 thoughts on “Life of the Living Dead

  1. Good idea to do the drawing. It stimulates the cognitive function of the brain, which is good, I find that writing helps me when I feel detached from being grounded in reality. Maybe reality is overrated anyway LOL. I would like to do some drawing. I used to draw a lot when I was in high school and college.
    Sorry you are feeling blah . I guess it is better than feeling sad or scared but it is a kind of depression.
    Blessings and hope you feel more “normal” soon, whatever that is; I have not quite figured it out myself.
    Annie

    Like

    1. Thanks. Yeah I found it really calming and a helpful way of expressing what I’m struggling to communicate to people. I don’t think I’ve been this depressed for years so I’m really struggling, but here’s to normal in the foreseeable future. X

      Like

  2. Is this your drawing? It’s beautiful. I feel your pain (or lack thereof). I know numb. I know every word of what you’ve said. You are depressed. Get help…good help. It can get better with help and time. Hugs, Hope.

    Liked by 1 person

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