Sat, slumped against the wall, I have bad posture but I don’t care much for my posture right now. I’m sat in silence, and have been for hours; I don’t care much for music, or talking right now. Space occupies my every hazy thought, wisp of a thought and thought of a thought; I don’t care much for thinking right now. I am not bored, yet I’ve done nothing for hours. I am not sad, but flat, numb, and lifeless like the living dead. I feel like a zombie, an in tact zombie with nothing more to do than sit, stare, exist, breathe.
I want to be on my own, and desire no contact with the outer world. I could stay in my kitchen for days on end, and see no point in leaving the house. I don’t desire activity, excitement or occupation. It is as if my brain has flat lined, but my body remains alive like a living corpse.
I feel no love, no warmth, no joy, no sadness. Just nothing. I am a void, a black hole embodying listlessness. My body is heavy, my limbs lay numb, and there is no impulse, sign of life or emotion.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I can’t pinpoint it. I just know that things aren’t right. I don’t want to eat, move, or do anything but sleep. Maybe I’m depressed. Maybe this is the effect of my medication I thought, but when I phoned the home treatment team to ask they disagreed and instead offered me a dr appointment in two days.
It is an effort to achieve anything today. Today I achieved drawing. I have been using my iPad to draw about how I am feeling in a hope of figuring something out, or healing something a little. I hoped it would be therapeutic and calming. It productively filled some time in my day at least.