Desperation seized hold of my mind, teasing me, taunting me to just do this, “let’s just do that, come on, it would be so easy. Run away. Hurt her. No one would know.” But instead of listening and following suit I went to A&E. Exhausted and drained, I sat in there and I asked for help. I was in crisis, and I’m working my way through it now.
I have been a bit depressed since prior to Christmas, but for some reason everything intensified. I have been struggling to sleep and get up. Struggling to function, wash, and look after myself. I have been slacking with my friendships and skipping the gym. I’m behind on college work, and I can barely concentrate. The one thing I’m not letting happen is for it to get the best of me.
So now I am under the home treatment team, and I am working with them. I gave up the all of my means to hurt myself, and I’m trying really hard to push on and do normal things. I’m forcing myself to the gym, to do some study and see my friends for as much as I can. Granted I am spending a lot of time staring at walls and feeling spaced out, but I’m working through it and I think for me, that is the key to getting better during a crisis. I need to focus on what I can do, and work with it. I need to focus on what I have, and keep fixed on it. I need to use my support networks and talk about it. I need to force myself to do things that I know help: exercise, socialising and being productive. So out come all of the techniques.
Lists, plans, mindfulness, taking a break and being kind to myself are some of my key tools for times like this. I need to keep in touch with reality and not lose myself into chaos. I need to stand strong and not disintegrate into a heap. I need to hold my head high and keep fighting on because in the end when I’m doing well again, it will be worth it- and I have a feeling that for every time I go through this and manage it, the easier it will get with time. Each crisis will hopefully become less intense and more manageable until eventually I can just take it in my stride without being knocked.