I am dancing a dance on the beam of sanity, dancing between madness and stillness. Losing my balance I wobble, until bam, one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, I am moving forward through time, space and life. The tight rope thins out, and more skill is needed to navigate the way and avoid the fall. The free fall that it would be if I lost my balance, the fall into oblivion and the tumultuous chaos that would ensue and take wrath of my life. I am inching between the life worth living I have so carefully construed for myself, and the life I had – of hospital, madness and hell. I don’t want to go back there, so I’ll pull up my core muscles, twinkle and stretch my toes, in the hope I maintain my balance and move forwards. Even staying still, like prey at the mercy of a merciless predator is better than falling.
If I fall, I have no idea where I will land. In A&E? In my GP’s office? Or in bed, head spinning from an overdose I took because, I’ll admit it, I could not cope. Perhaps I will detach from my entire reality and draw on the walls again. Maybe I’ll hurt myself and get lost again, or maybe, maybe I’ll just curl up in a corner like a cat waiting for death, and hide. Hide from a skewed reality, hide from my mental mess, and wait, just wait for the whirlwind to calm until I can come out a knight in shining armour in my own daily battle. I may wait until I am strong enough to fight these bad bitches, and put them where they belong – to bed. I do not want these fights, but sometimes, they are inevitable and unavoidable – all it takes is a minor slip on the high wire. All it takes is a wrong toe, an uneven breath, to cause the minor slip that leads to a well of hell.
So what can I do about this scenario? I wonder and ponder to myself, pulling out therapy worksheets, and clawing at bits and pieces of CBT, MBT and schema knowledge in order to help maintain myself. I need to connect with my feelings – but where are they? I need to notice what is happening? But there is nothing. I need to be kind to myself and manage only what I can – but what is my limit? So I will focus on what I can do. I can paint my nails. I can go to the gym. I can set small goals – I will make it to this afternoon. I will make it to tomorrow’s class. I will make it to see my friend on friday. I will make it not only because I have to, but because I want to.
If I don’t then we’ll deal with that should it arise, but for now, mini cornerstones are my saviour. Mental grit at it’s best, pushing and shoving through this delicate act of maintaining my sanity. Pushing and shoving to not have a crisis, to not be found and sectioned, or to damage myself. It’s a daily battle on top of the daily grind, it’s a challenge that I will accept, and a dance I’m going to have to learn, master, to show those bad bitches that are my demons just who is in control.