During my struggles at home I became very withdrawn, depressed and began to live in a secret private world that I had created for myself. A part of that world was created by writing. I’ve been writing poems and journals since I was 12 – and since it has become an almost compulsory part of my life: regardless of which way in which I write, I always need to write and expell thoughts, emotions and opinions from the confinements of my own mind. I need to get it out.
I wrote a poem about my eating disorder and me – of which I have since lost in the cyber space of the online world. It most likely remains out there somewhere, on a long lost blog, forum or writing site. I performed it on a creative arts platform that came to my hometown in the summer of 2007. It was just spoken word, but for myself, at home I spoke it to Comptine D’un Autre été L’Aprés-midi by Yann Tiersen.
I had recently discovered Yann Tiersen and the Amelié sound track became a staple in my music library. I still really love Yann Tiersen to this day: but this song, with it’s sorrowful melody reminds me of that poem about the pale girl in the mirror staring back from sunken blackened eyes.
I personified my eating disorder for the first time – and even now I remember the image: she remains the same. For me, she remains the same drawn, gaunt, sunken girl with heavy black eyes streaming in sorrow, pain and despair. These songs capture that moment in my life.