It’s the end of the year, almost. The 31st of December always brings about a sense of reflection on the year gone by, and a presence of focus for the future year to come. I remember last year, this time last year exactly I was really scared of the new year. I had it in my head that life would never get better, and that good god no, 2014 could not be a repeat of 2013. It started off exactly that…but it changed.
The second half of 2014 I look back on in fondness. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and really came along in terms of my mental health, achievements and general overall functioning from day to day. For me, I think the trick was being prescribed the right medications whereas previously I was denied any form of help – my struggle continued to spiral and in all honesty, I could not face living my life like that anymore. So I attempted to kill myself. It all changed from there.
I saw my GP and he disagreed that my depression was a “gloomy personality” and finally prescribed me anti-depressants. As they began to work, and the edge of my darkness began to shift away from my imminent existence I began to see the light again. I could wake up and not cry again. I could go out and have fun again. I could get up, function, go out and really give this, making a life worth living business a go – and that is exactly what I did do.
I was already discharged from my CMHT, but when I look back at the time i was under them I know that they only served to make me worse. Now though, I have a support worker who listens, and a GP who cares and helps. I no longer engage with the services of no use for me, and I finished therapy. I started college, and actually kept on going when I wanted to quit after the first day. I made friends, and I actually socialise. I am no longer a shadow of myself, but I am becoming a whole person: a whole functioning person I say.
So now, with 2014 behind me, and the last half of it a positive memory, I look forward to 2015. I look forward to completing college. I look forward to running Tough Mudder in september in order to raise money for mind (the link is in the sidebar), I look forward to vlogging and blogging about my Tough Mudder Journey. I look forward to writing here about my journey. I look forward to spending time with friends, and my girlfriend. This year, instead of the new start bringing a sense of dread and defeat it is bringing excitement and anticipation for the goods things I have going in my life: even if I am slightly depressed at the moment and struggling with dissociation – I am fighting. I am fighting strong with the right support, and for that not only am I thankful, but I’m excited for life to only get better. I’m excited for life to improve and to build myself that life worth living.
So here’s to 2015 and all of those plans.