Within one year of declining into my eating disorder and developing bulimia I already had insight into how much of my life I was losing to the illness. I understood and knew that it had challenged some of my friendships. I understood and knew that it had stolen my confidence and that, towards my final months of year 11, I was a mere ghosted shadow of my former self. I understood and knew how bad this addiction had become.
I didn’t know how bad it would become and I most definitely never envisaged that I would still be suffering into my 20s. I thought I could recover and stop it as quickly as I had developed it. I genuinely believed that my difficulties were not entirely so severe: especially as my weight never dipped very low in my bulimic years. In fact, I gained weight and reached the highest weight of my life to date.
I spent a lot of time watching YouTube videos made by other sufferers. I spent a lot of time watching “thinspo” videos because they understood me. They knew my desires that had progressed into unhealthy, obsessional needs. They “got it”, and provided me with the outlet I needed for my obsessional vice. Although in retrospect I can understand that perhaps they fuelled my fire: however, I do believe that even without this outlet I would have gotten equally severe: they just provided an avenue to finally express and connect over my consuming obsession.
I made a video myself. I made a video about how difficult my bulimia was for me. Within my video I included my challenges, how I’d lost friendships, how my grades had slipped and how awful I felt. I was in a state of pity at how much I loathed my bulimia, but also, how much I needed it.
The song for my video was Run by Snow Patrol. This reminds me of those early summer months that were also my final months in compulsory education. It reminds me of the times when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, before it did get worse, much worse.