By late 2005, I was 14. I had begun my GCSE’s and was determined to get A grades from the start. I took school relatively seriously. However, school also became a bit of a sanctuary away from home – although I was also affected in school by my home environment. I would often burst into tears at random and have to leave the room. My concentration dwindled, and I began to develop an eating disorder.
At first I just restricted my intake. Then I learnt about purging from a book I had read. The aim of the book was most likely to explore the topic of eating disorder with teens, whilst showing the ugly side of the eating disorder: the girl died – but I didn’t mind. So I developed bulimia.
Developing bulimia was very simple at home because I spent the majority of the time home alone. Most of the time, no-one else was home and I could be in charge of my own meals and responsibility for feeding myself. It was also at this time that the internet became a genuine sanctuary for me with forums, blogs, and websites providing me the comfort of allowing me to remove my mask behind anonymity. I could be myself, my full struggling self – and it was ok because we were all struggling.
These songs are from the period of time when eating disordered forums online became my only safe place – and even though I know the ‘pro-ana’ movement was very unhelpful, shocking and unhealthy: I could finally vent about my difficulties in a place where I wouldn’t be judged; there are two sides to online forums surrounding eating disorders, more of which I will discuss further down the line on this site.