For years I have been sad. My life for a long time has been hit by extended periods of what felt like perpetual doom. When talking to my psychiatrist about my low moods, he concluded that I had a gloomy personality and that medication would never help me. He was wrong. I knew he was wrong.
I have not always been a dark cloud although, I have spent a lot of my life being a dark cloud. I knew I was depressed, even if the doctors decided to put it down to my own way of being. I spoke to my GP. We decided to try anti-depressants. After a few weeks they started to work and my personal black fog began to lift. I could see again.
I could see why people wanted to get up in the morning. I could see why people enjoyed life. I could see, and finally understand why everyone else wasn’t trying to kill their selves as well, because actually there is a lot of enjoyment, happiness and fulfilment to be had from the world.
I realised that even though there is a lot of bad in the world, that if I focused on that then I will feel sad regardless of whether I’m taking my anti-depressants or not. I realised my key to my own happiness was learning where to focus my energy. I learned to focus my energy on my own inner world of happiness and fulfilment. I focused on the small things.
I re-realised how much I enjoyed exercise: swimming, running and cycling. I re-realised how much enjoyment reading books brought to me. I re-realised how much joy writing could bring me. I re-realised how blessed I was to have such a wonderful partner. Ultimately, I realised the importance of the small things in my day that make the bigger picture: a text to my friends here, a yummy sandwich there, and a beautiful cat to cuddle at the end of the day. This is where I found my happiness.
However, in order to be able to find my personal little gold mine, I had to not be depressed in the first place. This furthers my daily happiness that I find because for so long, years even, I’ve been unhappy, depressed, and working my motions in life in a slow, dark, and despairing place. Now finally, I am able to see the brighter side of life’s small offerings.
For this, and this alone, I am grateful. I feel blessed to no longer be depressed. I can smile and mean it.